Dear brother.
I wish. I wish I had been a better friend to you.
They say blood is thicker than water, but that's just not enough. So many things I could have, should have done. When we were close, we had an understanding. We'd always be brothers, we'd never be strangers.
But I was not always close. It hurts so.
Did I ever apologize for throwing the hammer? That was water under the bridge long ago, I know. Many things like that, we did to each other, we apologized, and we forgave each other, sometimes with a look or actions, sometimes only with words.
But there were other times too. Did I apologize for what I said that one time? You know the time I'm thinking of. And then there was that other time, that too. Oh Tim. I was sorry long ago, but did you ever know it?
Did you ever know that I came to be sorry for my patronizing attitude, my domineering ways, my holier-than-thou spirit of a Pharisee?
I wish. I hope.
The Yosemite River was running at it's all-time historical high, the perfect weather to hike past Vernal Falls. I called and said we should take a day and hike Half-Dome. You couldn't go - obligations. I felt snubbed, disregarded. I understood later, but it took me a long time to get past that. I understand more now. Your obligations were vitally important, and your firm stand was honorable. You did not talk to me about the burdens placed on you by others, but instead you silently accepted the responsibility. How that must have hurt, to hear the offense in my voice and be unable to correct my misunderstanding. At Aunt Sandy's funeral I shook your hand. I commended you for behaving honorably toward your wife, for being a better husband to her than I was to mine, for being a more devoted father. I looked up to you my little brother. But did I say it clear enough? Did you know that I forgave you? Did you know that I truly admired you?
Others made time to get close to you, and they shared happiness with you. But I kept busy. I stayed away, waiting for an invitation, waiting for the perfect time, waiting... and life moved on without me.

Be Sincere

I realized this morning that I constantly hurt those I work, live, and play with. At home around my family I am domineering, harsh in disciplining our children, critical of my wife, and lazy in applying my so-called principles to myself. I have been aware of that for some time and have tried to change many times. More recently, while playing ultimate frisbee, I realized that I hurt those I play with, by making what I think are just funny, witty remarks, but which are actually hurtful. But today I just realized that I also do the same thing to the people I work with. So for many years I have thought there was a dichotomy between my private life and my public life, but in fact there is not. I am cruel and hurtful to everyone I'm around, with a few rare exceptions. There are a handful of people to whom I think I am never cruel, at least not directly, although my behaviour towards others probably even hurts that highly valued group. This admission also highlights the fact that I do not appropriately value my wife and children, since they are not in that group, except the youngest children. At the same time, I have recently discovered a capacity for love and care toward utter strangers that I had thought was scriptural charity, and now I must question my notions about that as well. The one group of people I am fairly neutral toward is those who I know, but not well enough to get comfortable with. So my attitude toward a person follows a certain progression, from complete unfamiliarity to acceptance as a valued friend, and the vast majority of people I meet never make it all the way to the position of valued friend not because I am consciously exclusive, but because my treatment of everybody around me weeds out all but a few who by some miracle bear my company long enough for me to value them appropriately to our relationship. I love and empathize deeply with the complete stranger and the helpless child. I handle the casual acquaintance with extreme caution, but not the same care as the complete stranger. I handle my own growing child with less caution, but I still replace care with criticism. Those I am thrown into company with regularly (such as co-workers) may think they are developing a friendship, but actually I am only becoming comfortable enough with them to open up a little bit, and the part of me that I open first is sarcastic and cutting, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to shield myself from getting too familiar too quickly. I'm not actually sure how some rare individuals break through that shield, but I'm beginning to think it's not me accepting them and extending friendship to them as it is them persevering through my ugly personality and extending friendship to me. To put it in simpler terms, my attitude toward a person I meet progresses thus: charitable love, superior care (polite but aloof), constructive criticism (more arrogant, less polite), derogatory criticism (I often feel at this point like I have a great casual relationship with the person, we get along well, have many interests and tastes in common, and they can "take it as well as dish it out"), and finally sincere respect (in which I am afraid to offend someone I value highly and very careful with criticism). There may be another stage or two between dergoatory criticism and sincere respect that I haven't yet identified. Sometimes a person slides back and forth along that progression, but usually a person stops between the phases of superior care and constructive criticism. Most of my co-workers and professing friends are in this paused state. This is probably a combination of their subconscious recognition that they do not want to know me much better because I'll turn out to be a jerk, and my own subconscious recognition that I don't want them to know me much better because they'll discover what a jerk I am. One thing I notice about this progression is that it moves very quickly from interest to defensiveness, if I consider that my empathy for a complete stranger or a helpess child is interest, and that when I turn aloof and critical I am throwing up shields to protect myself. I must also question whether self-protection is in fact my subconscious goal. What else might it be? One characteristic of mine that I have often wondered about is that of frankness. I consider myself frank, and have sometimes said I value frankness highly. For example, right now I am considering sharing this essay with Michael, who I pushed past the breaking point this morning and offended. But am I truly frank and open in a good way, or is it only in service to myself? Do I value frankness in others, even if they have criticism for me? I think I do. I think I am not calling it "frankness" when I'm really just being critical. And can it hurt to open myself in this way to someone, especially someone I've hurt recently? I think not, as long as it's sincere. Similarly, sometimes I have thought that I can have great skill at tactfulness when truly needed. Is this just a mental euphemism for deceitfulness? But I'm getting sidetracked - the key I've just uncovered, I think, is how to salvage a friendship when I've pushed someone too far, and that is to open up immediately, apologize for my hurtful behaviour, apply sincerity to the relationship, expose my own faults to criticism (and forgive it in the same breath), and invite sincerity from the other person. Now I'll go try that, and while I await a response, I'll think on learning to apply sincerity and trust in every relationship from the very beginning.

May 5 study

1 Corinthians 1

This was an attempt to publish an mp3 file (audio of this chapter), but the best I could do was a probably-now-defunct box.net link, and I think it doesn't even show up for anybody but me, and then only when I edit the post and click on "Show enclosure links".

Book Review: You Can Farm, by Joel Salatin

You Can Farm: The Entrepreneur's Guide to Start & Succeed in a Farming Enterprise, by Joel Salatin, is a meaty book, filled with meaty advice. Perhaps the most helpful part for me was Chapter 4, titled Do It Now. An excerpt:

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone has asked me, "How do I get started?" My response: "What are you doing NOW?"
[...]
Fundamentally, you must look around yourself and ask, "What am I doing NOW? What can I do NOW?" You see, most folks I've dealt with, who really want to farm, have the notion that if they just had some land, or if they just had more land, they could farm. It's as if an elusive something - land, equipment, buildings, markets - is always just beyond their grasp and they are just stuck until they can acquire that magic "thing".
[...]
Farming is not a "thing". It is a life, and a business.

The message to me is that what is really essential to getting started is... getting started. If farming is a life, the most important step is to start living it. Salatin continues with examples of people who started small ventures with little or nothing in order to fund their larger farming objectives. An eye-opener for me was that I can farm without owning land. This was the source of my inspiration to design the trailers I will eventually use for milking and bottling milk on leased pasture land.

Chapter 10 was also inspiring. In it, Salatin lists his idea of the top ten centerpiece enterprises today. This book was written in 1998, but I believe this list is still as valid today as then. Number one on the list is pastured broilers. Number four is a grass-based dairy. If it were not for government regulations, he says, or if you live in a state where the regulations are reasonable, this would be a better opportunity than pastured broilers. It happens that Washington state regulations are amenable to raw milk micro-dairies. Public awareness of the health benefits of raw milk has been steadily growing over the last ten years, thanks to the efforts of the Weston Price Foundation. More people are becoming interested in locally produced foods, and more people are becoming aware of the dangers of soy products. These trends bode well for startup micro-dairies. For Washington, then, I believe a pasture-based raw milk micro-dairy is the number one best opportunity in farming today.

Chapter 11 continues with Salatin's list of the ten best complementary enterprises, and again, I think the list is as valid today as in 1998. Together, these two lists and the many other ideas scattered throughout the book should inspire any would-be farmer, with or without land, animals, equipment, or market. Start Today!

David Field

Micro-Dairy Plans

When I last posted here, I thought I would be an organic vegetable farmer. In the nearly two years that have passed since then, we have bought a pregnant cow and a milking machine, and I have discovered that my childhood dream of running a dairy could be a reality. Many considerations have gone into my decision to start a dairy, but briefly they are lifestyle, independence, sustainability, and health. Also, and importantly, Grace is in complete agreement with me on all these things, and is just as interested as I am in the enterprise.

Our cow is named Mocha, a Brown Swiss - Holstein cross, She's huge, and she gives about 8.5 gallons a day at her peak. Her calf is named Star, from a Swedish Red - Jersey cross bull by artificial insemination, and is about four months old. They are currently on our neighbor's pasture (thanks Matt!) in trade for a gallon or so a week.

Basics of the plan:
24-48 registered purebred Jersey cows, and possibly some Dexters and Miniature Jerseys
Pasture-based, intensive grazing management, organic certification
Raw milk, cheeses, and other value-added dairy products
Sales at Richland and Pasco Farmer's Markets, home delivery, and farm store
Polycultural, meaning that we will produce other things as well, although our centerpiece enterprise will be the dairy.
Side enterprises may include goat dairy products, garden compost, beef, meat goats, eggs, chickens, rabbits, pork, lambs, honey, wool, and fruits and vegetables, roughly in that order.

I will try to post a new entry here once a week, using it as a sort of farm journal, with how-to, book reviews, recipes, helpful links, and progress updates.

Next week: farming books I've been reading

David Field, out standing.

An Application for Artificial Intelligence

When most people think of artficial intelligence, I think they picture Isaac Asimov's humanoid robots, with varying reactions. I have in mind a much more current application. Search. I think the search industry and artficial intelligence go hand in hand. Why is search important? Or what could artificial intelligence have to do with it?
If you want a picture of, say, cherries with dew on them, still on the tree, how would you go about finding one? In the old days you would hire a commercial photographer, but those days are past, and that expense is no longer necessary. Now all you have to do is comb through the thousands of stock photos that are out there. If you're looking for something very particular, you might still be better off hiring a photographer. There are two ways I'm familiar with for finding a particular picture on the internet. You could use Flickr, a website that allows multiple users to post and tag photos. By searching from the advanced search page for "cherries rain", I found 13 pages of photos, 128 of them, including cherries, cherry trees, cherry blossoms, some with raindrops or dew on them, and many of other things that apparently made users think of cherries. I found green cherry tomatoes with raindrops on them, dark cherries, chokecherries with raindrops on them, and red cherry tomatoes with raindrops on them. But not one closeup shot of red cherries with raindrops glistening in the sun like I had in my mind's eye.

Next I tried a Google Image search for variations on the same search. I did quickly find a "raindrops on cherries" image available from Getty Images.

I recently heard a radio program on research that suggests that our brains use a single neuron to recognize a special person or object - "a Jennifer Aniston cell appeared to respond to anything that evoked the concept of Jennifer Aniston, not just a particular view".
Some day there will be an artificial intelligence that will be capable of recognizing not only image content, but concept as well. Capable of analyzing images and tagging or categorizing them.

http://www.autonomy.com/content/Technology/ sells solutions for organizing and correlating data throughout an enterprise. Reading their website makes me feel like I'm trying to eat a large plate full of cold mashed potatoes very quickly. But I think if had time to wade through all the hip jargon I would find a real company doing real work, offering something that might very well revolutionize the way we handle large amounts of data.

Flickr and other collaborative efforts are themselves revolutionary and powerful, and it will be interesting to see how artificial intelligence compares with them as they both develop.

Tents for the Future

I found this inspiring- http://www.redskyshelters.com/howtensile4.html
One tensile roof structure designed by Berger covers 2.5 acres at the Talisman Centre for Sport and Wellness in Calgary, Alberta: http://www.aaa.ab.ca/pages/public/csaa/csaa-23.htm
You can see the inside of the structure (apparently at night) at http://www.talismancentre.com/photos2.htm

To me, the most interesting thing about this fabric structure is this part:
"The average insulative value of the roof assembly is R12 and achieves a minimum translucency of 4%, which eliminates the need for artificial lighting during daylight hours."

I wonder what the per square foot cost of the material is.
http://www.geigerengineers.com/project.cfm?projcatID=2&projectID=124

I contacted Red Sky Shelters and received a reply indicating that they would be willing to sell their silicone-coated fabric in bulk quantities to those interested in developing their own designs.
I guess I should point out that Red Sky and Berger are not affiliated, and the fabric used in the Talisman Centre is unfortunately not available from Red Sky Shelters.