Be Sincere

I realized this morning that I constantly hurt those I work, live, and play with. At home around my family I am domineering, harsh in disciplining our children, critical of my wife, and lazy in applying my so-called principles to myself. I have been aware of that for some time and have tried to change many times. More recently, while playing ultimate frisbee, I realized that I hurt those I play with, by making what I think are just funny, witty remarks, but which are actually hurtful. But today I just realized that I also do the same thing to the people I work with. So for many years I have thought there was a dichotomy between my private life and my public life, but in fact there is not. I am cruel and hurtful to everyone I'm around, with a few rare exceptions. There are a handful of people to whom I think I am never cruel, at least not directly, although my behaviour towards others probably even hurts that highly valued group. This admission also highlights the fact that I do not appropriately value my wife and children, since they are not in that group, except the youngest children. At the same time, I have recently discovered a capacity for love and care toward utter strangers that I had thought was scriptural charity, and now I must question my notions about that as well. The one group of people I am fairly neutral toward is those who I know, but not well enough to get comfortable with. So my attitude toward a person follows a certain progression, from complete unfamiliarity to acceptance as a valued friend, and the vast majority of people I meet never make it all the way to the position of valued friend not because I am consciously exclusive, but because my treatment of everybody around me weeds out all but a few who by some miracle bear my company long enough for me to value them appropriately to our relationship. I love and empathize deeply with the complete stranger and the helpless child. I handle the casual acquaintance with extreme caution, but not the same care as the complete stranger. I handle my own growing child with less caution, but I still replace care with criticism. Those I am thrown into company with regularly (such as co-workers) may think they are developing a friendship, but actually I am only becoming comfortable enough with them to open up a little bit, and the part of me that I open first is sarcastic and cutting, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to shield myself from getting too familiar too quickly. I'm not actually sure how some rare individuals break through that shield, but I'm beginning to think it's not me accepting them and extending friendship to them as it is them persevering through my ugly personality and extending friendship to me. To put it in simpler terms, my attitude toward a person I meet progresses thus: charitable love, superior care (polite but aloof), constructive criticism (more arrogant, less polite), derogatory criticism (I often feel at this point like I have a great casual relationship with the person, we get along well, have many interests and tastes in common, and they can "take it as well as dish it out"), and finally sincere respect (in which I am afraid to offend someone I value highly and very careful with criticism). There may be another stage or two between dergoatory criticism and sincere respect that I haven't yet identified. Sometimes a person slides back and forth along that progression, but usually a person stops between the phases of superior care and constructive criticism. Most of my co-workers and professing friends are in this paused state. This is probably a combination of their subconscious recognition that they do not want to know me much better because I'll turn out to be a jerk, and my own subconscious recognition that I don't want them to know me much better because they'll discover what a jerk I am. One thing I notice about this progression is that it moves very quickly from interest to defensiveness, if I consider that my empathy for a complete stranger or a helpess child is interest, and that when I turn aloof and critical I am throwing up shields to protect myself. I must also question whether self-protection is in fact my subconscious goal. What else might it be? One characteristic of mine that I have often wondered about is that of frankness. I consider myself frank, and have sometimes said I value frankness highly. For example, right now I am considering sharing this essay with Michael, who I pushed past the breaking point this morning and offended. But am I truly frank and open in a good way, or is it only in service to myself? Do I value frankness in others, even if they have criticism for me? I think I do. I think I am not calling it "frankness" when I'm really just being critical. And can it hurt to open myself in this way to someone, especially someone I've hurt recently? I think not, as long as it's sincere. Similarly, sometimes I have thought that I can have great skill at tactfulness when truly needed. Is this just a mental euphemism for deceitfulness? But I'm getting sidetracked - the key I've just uncovered, I think, is how to salvage a friendship when I've pushed someone too far, and that is to open up immediately, apologize for my hurtful behaviour, apply sincerity to the relationship, expose my own faults to criticism (and forgive it in the same breath), and invite sincerity from the other person. Now I'll go try that, and while I await a response, I'll think on learning to apply sincerity and trust in every relationship from the very beginning.